Love Hurts
by Willow8
Summary: A one sided Taito, Matt's writing down his feelings in a sort of stream of consciousness. Er, there may be a sequal, I haven't decided yet. Please R&R!


Disclaimer:- Nope, don't own Digimon or the characters. I do however own this plot and this idea. But not the characters I'm using. Do you hear me? I DO NOT OWN DIGIMON OR IT'S CHARACTERS!!

A/N: An angsty piece of writing from Matt's POV. Yes, it's a one sided Taito, but I might do a sequel making it a proper Taito. Right, is a one sided slash fic, but it's nothing too great, and it is based on my feelings towards a guy. (I wrote this ages ago from my POV, but adapted it to Matt's.)   
Hope you like it, remember to review!

__

Willow

~x~

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Love hurts

It all started, when my heart was broken for the first time. Late summer, 2002. I was 15. One of my best friends deliberately dated the guy that I really liked. I sought condolence and comfort from the greatest guy anyone could ever ask for. His name was Taichi Kamaya. Unfortunately, he was taken, by a group of girls affectionately termed, his groupies, Sora was at the head of the group. 

I suddenly felt, for the very first time in my life, jealous. I was jealous that Tai was spending more time with other people, well, other girls and guys, and not even seeming to care that I wasn't there I was like he didn't miss me at all. Needless to say, I did not find the comfort that I sought. 

It was then I realised that, as much as I had fought against it, I really liked him. Well, liked is an understatement.

I think that I loved him. 

But then that would make me gay right? I was pretty sure I wasn't, but as time went on, I grew to accept that, it was fine. But I never told anyone anything. Never. And I never plan on telling this either. Writing it down gets it out of my head and on to paper. It relieves the pressure. Yes, it took me a while, but I admitted it. I was gay, well, bi-sexual at least. 

Whenever he was around, I felt like dancing, holding his hand and hugging him. Weeping on his shoulder and sharing my triumphs and disappointments. Whenever he was around, the world seemed right. Whenever he was upset, I wanted nothing more than to change the world so that he would not be hurt. I wanted to kiss away the tears and see his lovely smile.

For over 8 years had I had this brilliant guy as sort of the brother I never had. But when I finally realised that I loved him, it was, of course, as always, too late. He loved every second around his groupies, and I began to see less and less of him, and more and more of him with them.

I fell into depression and began to repress my true feelings sinking behind my ice mask again and finding reasons to hide the real me from the world once more. The real me was not this cool, famous, hard and uncaring guy that they saw, no, the real me was a small, insecure, vulnerable, hurt guy who was in love but knew that his love would never be returned, no matter how hard he tried. I would never be good enough for him. And it hurt. It really, really hurt.

It was then that I wanted to screw my life into a little ball and throw it away, completely contented to curl up in a ball and cry my life away. 

Over the next few weeks, I hardly saw hide nor hair of him. Sure, I sometimes saw him coming home from school, on Thursdays and Fridays, and occasionally I bumped into his in the corridor. The other days in the week were spent dreaming about him and his smile, and his voice, and his outrageously messy hair, and his sense of humour, everything about him is what I loved.

I was in love. And it hurt. Badly.

When people say that being in love is the best feeling in the world, I scorn. It may be the best feeling when someone returns it, but when the person you love is oblivious and seems not to care, then it hurts. And that hurt began to eat at me, eat away inside of me, gnawing at my soul and every fibre of my being that I loved him with. 

I was his, but he could not, would not see. 

My pain increased as time went on. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and more desperate. All I wanted was to be with him. All I wanted was for me to be happy. 

The first selfish thought to cross my head for a long time. All my life was spent accommodating the ideas of others, even thought I never let it show, I did my best to care. It was hard, especially after the divorce of my parents. I looked after TK, everywhere, and he knew that I loved him, even if I couldn't say it. Sure, I was hot headed at times and clashed with Tai in the digital world, but I was never selfish, never. I had forgotten how to be selfish. 

When the feelings all finally caught up with me, they arrived on such a tidal wave that I was completely bowled over, so many hormones, feelings, tears, aches, pains, and all of my very own. I hated this. I really hated it. 

I hated this whole having feelings business. My feelings allowed me to develop a small, rather large crush on a girl named Sora. It was just lust however. But my feelings made me vulnerable and easy prey for heartbreak. When I heard that Tai was dating Sora, I could have sworn that something inside of me had broken, it hurt so much. The guy I loved was dating the girl I was crushing on.

And there, we are back at the beginning, me seeking condolence and comfort from someone who I loved but who saw me as a best friend, and nothing else. So, yes, love hurts. 

'And the call me

Happy go lucky

They don't know my heart is dying inside.

My smile's a frown turned upside down.

I do my happy go lucky so well,

I'm even fooling myself.' 

Tragic is the day when I need to quote the chorus from a Steps song, but it has particular meaning. 

Tai Kamaya, if you are reading this, you wormed your way into the cracks of my heart like ivy and tore at them until they crumbled. And you didn't even know you were doing it. And my heart pains every time I see you, and know that I can never be with you and to know that you don't feel the same. 

I now know what it feels like to be in love, and I don't like it at all. Why must it be so painful when love is supposed to be the happiest feeling in the world? Why?

A/N: ARGH! Angst! Ugh…I'm so sorry people…I will eventually get round to posting the original, the one that I myself wrote to convey my feelings and hurt at the whole situation. Do you want a sequel? Maybe slightly happier? 

Well then review! 

Thanks! ^^

__

Willow.

~x~


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